Lulu: the horrifying you v all of them man-rating software | Sarah Ditum |

A



lifetime back, when cellular telephony was very young while the thought of performing anything together with your device apart from speaking felt exquisitely advanced, a female I was friends with introduced us to her new sweetheart. “right here, understand this,” said the boyfriend thrusting their Nokia towards me, and exposing me consequently to a bald, grinning guy with a lube-slicked mind whose pornographic activities questioned my personal understanding of the suppleness of human body. Which was the worst thing I had previously seen on a phone until last night when, in a spirit of journalistic interest, I installed the
Lulu app
onto my personal iPhone.

Lulu sounds like a powder-puff euphemism for ladybits, and although that isn’t exactly what the software is actually, featuring its tyrannous magenta colour pallette and its particular relentlessly twee scrolled typeface, it epitomises precisely that type of feminine dreadfulness. In the event it was individuals, it might take in increased fizz and giggle it felt “quite naughty”. Just what Lulu is truly is something permitting women to rate guys as connection prospects. Sorry, maybe not women: “By girls, for girls … purely women just, which means no men allowed,” states the explanation regarding application store, in case anyone had been in impression that fixing hashtags on your own crushes like pins in a beetle was a student in in any manner the job of an emotionally mature human.

The type of thing Lulu thinks women must know about the male is understood by these types of tags as #big.feet, #kinkyintherightways and #smellsamazeballs. Its like a stiletto stamping on the face of humankind forever while Kathy Lette shouts laughing. And also as much as I can inform, there’s no opt-out for males who would somewhat not be shagged and tagged: while I put up my personal membership, the Twitter profile of any chap i am aware was actually pulled to the Luluverse and I also was welcomed to discuss their own eligibility. I am sorry, guys. It don’t ask me personally easily desired that to happen, never actually.

The oddity about Lulu would be that this urge to identify and categorise is actually stereotypically allowed to be a male trait, and there really are a lot of web sites specialized in men discussing viewpoints about ladies with a view to sharing the ladies. Throughout the week-end, we read an
post
through the nyc Observer about “artisanal hookers”, that are handcrafted from conventional materials and fireblasted in a heritage material kiln. Not necessarily, they are only extremely expensive. And something ways by which where wealthy men source their unique farmers’ market level prostitutes is via analysis internet sites, which allow johns grade ladies about fidelity of the marketing components additionally the top-notch their particular services.

I experienced a glance at a few of the write-ups using one web site. They were surprisingly polite, in a visitors’ Confessions method: “Lisa replied the doorway in a dangerously tight black dress,” that type of thing, created as if acquiring moments of enjoyment through the experience (and for the costs included, it’s hard to begrudge any punter that). I really don’t doubt the tone among these recommendations differs wildly, however in the essential simplistic way, examining the premium solution of a prostitute strikes me because extremely more ethical than trading notes on a guy who didn’t realise that by entering into a short union with a Lulu individual, he had been redefining himself as a rateable consumer item.

Lulu is gross, subsequently, and an absolute confidentiality menace. But is it also beneficial? Their data collection options are intended for a rather specific profile of female desire: #willwatchromcoms will be the sole concession to tradition when you look at the “best thing I am able to state about him” listing; #trekkie looks merely in the “worst thing” choices. Whether your notion of an excellent night in involves enjoying The Wrath of Khan followed closely by some #kinkyinthewrongway action, after that Lulu is not going to help you in your quest for Spock.

If for example the notion of an excellent evening in involves another woman, forget it: Lulu is straightsville. Its hideous life is actually predicated on a sniggering us-v-them powerful, therefore the indisputable fact that females could be both customer and reviewee would strike their revolting red globe aside. The worst development for Lulu, though, is that I am not sure females also value this kind of crowdsourced understanding of their particular potential dates.

My personal outdated friend’s sweetheart turned up to the pub that long-ago night with his very own worst thing – #collectshorrifyingpornclips and this event outlived the rosy shine of feminine comradeship. Love and intercourse are far stranger than nearly any checklist can accommodate.